Seemingly it’s all very simple. It is: (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V.

Where S is the shape, C is sphericity, B is muscular bounce, F is firmness, T is the skin texture / cellulite amount and V is the hip to waist ratio or symmetry. At least this is the method from Dr David Homes from Manchester Metropolitan University.

What you do is assess each factor on a scale of 1-20 and plug the results into the equation. The perfect score is seemingly 80. Now, I haven’t tried to use this yet, and it would seem to be adding too much subjectivity to do a reasonable assessment (um, or ass-essment, sorry!) from a photo. I think bounce, firmness and texture can only be accurately and precisely gauged by extended tactile means.

What bothers me about this most is that when I was studying the female bottom on an amateur basis while struggling at University to understand Stokes’ Law and it’s application in terms of Long Shore Drift, there were other people actually trying to research and understand the perfect bottom – professionally. Now that is a damn fine use of mathematics and a research grant. I am jealous.

Needless to say accuracy can only be ascertained with a very large sample population in this case.

Dr Holmes, if I were on the Nobel Prize committee I’d honor you – Peace Prize maybe?. Still, I’m sure your work is just rewards.